This I Promise You

On Saturday, the 24th, I married my best friend. LoverMan became Husband. It was a beautiful, perfect day. Everything fell easily into place and the weather celebrated the day with us. I could not have asked for a better experience.

I can’t believe that it’s over now…and I’m terrified that I’m going to forget it. It really was the best day.

Sooo cliche, I know. Bear with me, because it’s going to get worse… but that man deserves it.

Since you, my beautiful readers, weren’t able to come to the Big Day, I shall share my words with you:

For all of the talking that i do, i don’t have the words to explain just how much you mean to me. And I can’t explain how I feel watching you with Gus. We have built a beautiful life together, and as we continue, I have a few promises to make:

I promise to always love you, even when you’re 65, smelly, and still playing Minecraft.

I promise to be a safe place for all of your secrets and vulnerabilities.

I promise to love you for you and not who I want you to be.

I promise to do my best to be kind.

I promise that as we raise our babies, I will put you first. Knowing that we are one is how they feel most loved.

I promise to love myself just as much as you love me.

And I will let you down from time to time, but I also promise that I will be the best partner to you that I can be.

I love you, Samuel.

And I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us.

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A Letter to my Younger Self

Hey pretty lady,

I know this sucks. I get it. I lived it! And look, I’m still here to remind you that it’s okay for life to suck. No one ever said that it was going to be dandelions and sunshine. (And if they did, they lied.) Life comes in waves of good and bad. It’s all a matter of perspective. The bad times help to define the good times.

It’s said time and time again, “These years are going to be the best of your life.” Well, wake up call, dear Hanna. That’s a total lie. The truth is that if high school really is the best, this is a sad, sad life. Lucky for you…it just gets better and better. Yeah, there are a few rocky places. Keep your head up, little lady. Friends will come and go. A few will stick around, but you need to learn to stand by yourself, too.

So, here come the spoilers. You have an amazing son. He is so intelligent and curious (and occasionally a menace). He is your ‘surprise’ baby, but he saved your life. You’ll learn that of all of your callings in life, being that boy’s mother rings loudest. That boy will completely fill your heart until it aches. Your parents did an amazing job modeling what good parenting looks like. But, practice patience. Gus requires a lot of it. Because he is worth it and so are you.

You’ll meet so many wonderful people. One day, a guy will walk into your life and you’ll run. But you won’t be able to get him out of your head. Time will pass and you’ll find each other again. He is incredible. He takes your crazy (believe me, you have plenty of that) and loves your for it. There are so many words to describe him, but one letter wouldn’t be able to capture it all. You’ll realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You’ll realize that he is the man you want to raise babies with. You’ll realize that this guy is the love of your life. Remember to be kind to him. You know that you love him, but he needs to hear it.

There are a few moments when the road gets very dark. You’ll be left shaking and scared and alone. That pain is very real. Remember that this too shall pass. Don’t forget that you DO have people you can trust. You DO have people who care about you. Even in the worst of moments, you’ll learn. You will become a better person for having been through it all.

Remember that other people have their own demons, too. Be kind. Tearing other people down to make you feel better lasts mere moments. Building other people up lasts so much longer. You don’t want to be known as that person, because you are SO much better than that! You don’t have to wear your heart on your sleeve, but share it anyway. There is enough hate and fear in this world that it may seem any positivity will be drowned out. That’s not a reason to stop trying.

Please try to make a few better decisions than I did. Sure, we learned valuable lessons… but not all of them had to be first hand experience. Your parents are pretty smart people. By the way, try to be a little easier on them. They’re still human.

Remember to have faith in yourself. You are enough. Strong enough. Good enough. Beautiful enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Give yourself a break.

You should love yourself…because, I know I do,

–future me